Rainbow #2 is....

A girl =) Kiley Rain is her name. its hard to believe im already far enough along to know babys sex. tomorrow im getting my cerclage and am scared to death.

rowan is growing like a weed and I fall in love with him more and more every day. he is hilarious. It makes me wonder every day how his big brother would have been.

dont understand some parents.

Some people I think really take what they have for granted. I have read a few blogs as of recently where these parents are talking about their children with such hatred it shocks me. Now I am sure these parents are just venting and or just having an aweful day. But come on people I would never and will never post a blog titled "IM SICK OF MY KIDS" or that I am being punished by having my children home with me.

I dont understand?
I understand feeling overwhelmed, I understand children fight and some mothers may want to pull their hair out. I understand wanting a break, but really? to talk about your children with hatred, and throwing jokes around, that really shouldnt be thrown around about your own kids.

there are days rowan will cry for what seems like forever, sure I get frustrated here and there, but then I take a step back and look at this miracle I have, and all that frustration disappears. This beautiful boy makes me smile, even when he is throwing a fit, and no matter how much he screams and cries. I would never trade his cries for anything in the world.

hell the few times when I have gotten to go out, all I do is want to come back home to him immediately.

I always remember the baby boy I will never hear cry, will never see grow up, and all these cries, screams, what have you, are the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.

More and more love

I love Rowan so very much, I now look forward to waking up every morning, when Im at school in the evening, the last hour is the longest, im constantly looking at the clock counting down the minutes where I can go home and hold my baby boy tighter then ever before, and I just love how everytime he sees me he is all smiles. he melts my heart, he really does.

its so hard to believe that we have yet another rainbow on the way, i feel guilty, I feel guilty for those that try for years and get nothing but heartache, I feel guilty for those who have yet to have a rainbow, and I feel guilty for those that physically cant have children for whatever reason. my pregnancies are NO easy walk in the park thats for sure, this one is probably to be my hardest yet since I have rowan to take care of as well. Im scared for the unknown, in one case im not AS scared as I was with Rowan, because I know that I have the chance of bringing home a living baby, but Im scared because I know no matter how many living babies I bring home, that doesnt mean this pregnancy, or if there are ever future pregnancies, garentee a living baby.
ive been a mess recently, while I love holding my baby boy close and he brings me more joy then I ever thought I could have again, Jordans 2nd birthday in heaven is coming up and I cant help but try to hold back the tears.
Has it really been that long?
I swear im only 21 years old but I feel 50, Ive been through so much these past 2 years, its nearly trippled my years.

another rainbow on the horizon

Yes you read it right. friday night i found out that we are expecting again. this baby was def not planned as rowan just turned 4 months. I dont think the initial shock has worn off yet, I dont know how far along I am. hopefully ill find out wednsday, with a verification ultrasound. A ton of things are running through my head at the moment, Im scared is all I can really say. for many obvious reasons.

just wanted to also add that i am of course happy =) just shocked

so overwhelmed, but found a moment

SO I am so bad about keeping up with my blog, just thought I would drop in and update everyone on rowan, he is doing great, and is now 4 months old =) he brings me so much joy, and keeps me on my toes. Last week he came down with a bug, had a 104.6 fever, had to take him to the ER they did blood work, iv, catheter, XRAY, and RSV test, everything came back normal though. and hes been fine ever since.

he weighs a whole whopping 18.9 lbs!

my big boy

There are not enough words..

that can explain JUST how much I love and cherish you.

6 weeks old!

where has the time gone? I have half a box of newborn diapers next to the couch going without use. I have clothes in bags, ready to be take to a second hand store because they no longer fit.

my baby is getting so big!

just a week ago he weighed in at 9.11 lbs. so im sure now he is at least 10!

as I type this my little boy is in his bouncy, in a new born outfit, which shirt is showing his belly button ::sigh:: I guess I have to add this outfit to the bag of second hand store clothing as well.

when I had rowan I looked at Tim and told him NEVER AGAIN.

his pregnancy had been a rollercoaster.

I honestly never pictured him in my arms. If felt like almost everything that could go wrong.. did go wrong (of course not EVERYthing that could go wrong, but just one thing after another anyways)

when I had rowan, I didnt get greeted with a cry, instead just 10 or more drs working on him to get him breathing. So I will say neither of my birthing experiences are great. they both have be traumatized. BUT my last birth thankfully had a better outcome.

I told Tim I didnt want to have any more babies. what I went through with Jordan, and then the constant worries and scares with rowan I felt were too much. I had at least one baby home with me, safe and sound, thats all I needed.

well after seeing how fast rowan is growing up already, and how much I LOVE being a mommy (I was a mommy already before rowan, but this is a whole new experience for me) I think I may take back the "never again"

of course that wont be on our minds for at least 2-4 years.

I am so in love with this little man, and every day my heart grows bigger and bigger. but there will always be a peice of my heart missing, no matter how much my heart continues to grow.